Day 118






I feel so terrible.


i've liked him for the whole past year
[take about 2 months]

and over the past 8 months
he slowly fell for me.

i gave him a reason to
and he did.
he did
he did
he did.


and then
things happened
and i felt so angry with him
i told myself to give up on him. forget him. move on.
because it felt like he broke my heart.

but he didn't.
he stopped smiling at me because i stopped smiling back
he stopped looking at me because every time he did, i looked away.
i forgot how to talk to him like i used to.

he knew i liked him before that.
but i think then, he thought i did no more.


when i realised i had a massive guilt trip
because
i was so set on trying to get over him. i loved him, i still will for a really long time.
and here i was thinking, he was over me, he wanted to forget about me.

....i think that's what he wanted to do.
i've overheard conversations, words i should have never heard.
something's really been on his mind, it making him act different.
from the way his friends look at me, from what i've heard around,
i think its me.


i think, for the first time
i hurt him.
er, badly.


as if i'm going to walk right up to him though and say
"hey, just thought i'd say sorry for doing something that made it seem like i've been toying with your heart the past few weeks."
no. god no.
i've got to make it up to him. give back all those looks and glances and those begging eyes, for his smile.
[the one thing that made me go weak in the knees, was how he wouldn't look away until he saw my smile.]


today he was looking at me
and i looked at him.
we both sat there and looked at each other, through all the crowd and people and voices trying to get our attention. we did that for about eight minutes straight.
eight minutes.

but i didn't smile.
because i was having a horrible day,
i didn't smile.
and i looked away.


guilt guilt guilt.

darling, please let me back in.
i want to have you come to my party in summer.
i want to say i love you. under the summer stars.